Matt Lauer Seeks Advice from Charlie Sheen

TV comedy writer Kevin Levine writes a funny story about Matt Lauer meeting Charlie Sheen ​in a coffee shop to ask for career advice. 

INT. STARBUCKS – BEVERLY HILLS

CHARLIE SHEEN IS AT A SMALL TABLE HAVING COFFEE. HE’S JOINED BY MATT LAUER.

MATT: Hey, Charlie, thanks for seeing me.

CHARLIE: No problem. No one’s ever flown all the way across the country just to have coffee with me before. At least no man. 

MATT: Well, I need some advice.

A HOT WOMAN CROSSES BY. 

CHARLIE: Hey Angela. Unless you wanna give me a blowjob I have nothing to say to you, bitch. 

ANGELA: Oh, Charlie, you’re so funny.

SHE SPITS ON MATT AS SHE MOVES OFF.

MATT: See? Right there. That’s the problem. 

CHARLIE: What?  I didn't see a problem. 

MATT: Women hate me! I’m charming, personable, warm. They spit on me. You slug them, trash their homes, dump them and your ratings go through the roof. What’s your secret, man?

CHARLIE: Well, first of all I’m better looking than you. There’s that. I have hair. You’re pretty bald, always wearing a suit. You’re the guy women go to for a loan. 

MATT: I should get a toupee and dress like Justin Bieber?

CHARLIE: Good start.

MATT: I have to dress like this.  I host THE TODAY SHOW. 

CHARLIE: Really?  You do?  I didn’t know that. Sorry. I don’t mean to offend. 

ANOTHER HOT WOMAN WALKS BY.

CHARLIE: (to the woman) Wash your hair, dear.

SHE CHUCKLES THEN SPITS ON MATT AND MOVES OFF.

MATT: No, it’s alright. Only 2% of America watches. 

CHARLIE: 2%? Jesus. More people came to my “Violent Torpedo of Truth” concerts. What a fucking mess. Women booed and threw things at me. I then got another sitcom with a guarantee of a hundred episodes so I’m set for life.

MATT: Unbelievable. 

CHARLIE: In what way? I don’t understand.

MATT: Never mind. Look, I’m going to lose my job if I can’t win back the women audience.

CHARLIE: Win them back? So at one time you had them?

MATT: Yes, for twenty years.

CHARLIE: That’s pretty solid. So what horrific thing did you do that caused an entire sex to revile you? 

MATT: I didn’t smile enough when Ann Curry talked.

CHARLIE: Say what?

MATT: I seemed distant.

CHARLIE: Are you shitting me?

MATT: And so when they fired her, it appeared I was behind it.

CHARLIE: Were you?

MATT: Well sure, but that’s not the issue. 

CHARLIE: So what did you do?

MATT: I denied it of course. I worked with spin doctors. We blitzed the media with press releases from NBC executives saying I was the lone voice who wanted to keep her. Also, I send out damage control tweets. I pretend I’m excited over cooking segments. 

It gets even more funny.  Read the rest of the tale at Ken Levine's website